Saturday, November 09, 2002
PART 25
LAURANCE: Wow, you look great this morning, Ethylene. I remember, when I was on 90210, they always had the good girls wearing little flowered sun-dresses like that.
ETHYLENE: Thanks.
WAITRESS: What'll it be hon'?
LAURANCE: Try the juevos rancheros. They're kick - a s s. … I mean, they're very good.
ETHYLENE: I'll have a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice and the large stack of buckwheat pancakes with real maple syrup. And a glass of pure, natural, mountain spring water. And could you open the window so that we smell the fresh, wholesome country air while we eat?
WAITRESS: Sure thing hon'. On the spring water, we've got Evian.
ETHYLENE: No, that's French. Never mind.
WAITRESS: Coffee with that?
ETHYLENE: Oh heavens to Betsy, no!
WAITRESS: Mel?
LAURANCE: I'll just have coffee and sticky bun.
ETHYLENE: Coffee is a narcotic, you know.
LAURANCE: I … uh … did not know that. I'll make a mental note. Anyway, thanks for meeting me for breakfast Ethylene.
ETHYLENE: Well, I figured that once you start a job, you might as well finish it.
LAURANCE: What?
ETHYLENE: Nothing. Matthew, did you read the stuff I gave you?
LAURANCE: You mean the books? About Roy? And Jesus? I glanced at them.
ETHYLENE: And?
[Long silence. Tears well up in Laurance's eyes.]
ETHYLENE: Matthew, what's wrong?
LAURANCE: Ethylene, I need to make a confession. I only borrowed the Royisms book so I could win the radio station contest. I didn't really read it at all. I just wanted the free pizza. I'm sorry.
ETHYLENE: [sigh] Well, contrition is a good first step. But don't apologize to me. You know who you need to apologize to, right?
LAURANCE: To Roy?
ETHYLENE: To God.
LAURANCE: Right. To God. Mental note to self: apologize to God. Anyway, here's your book back.
ETHYLENE: No, you keep it. Study it. Learn it. … I believe you can be good, Matthew. Just like your namesake.
LAURANCE: My great aunt Matthewletta?
ETHYLENE: No, silly. I meant the first Matthew. From the Bible.
LAURANCE: Oh. Right. Him. Man, this moral purity stuff is so confusing.
ETHYLENE: Matthew, I know what you need.
LAURANCE: What?
ETHYLENE: Why don't you come to our 'Up With Farmers' show this afternoon. It's at 4pm. It's just the sort of uplifting wholesomeness that you could use.
LAURANCE: OK. I can come after the shoot-around at 1pm. Besides, I kind of miss the heat of the bright lights, the smell of the greasepaint, the buzz of the crowd.
ETHYLENE: We have all that, plus the righteous joy of Jesus - and Roy - in our hearts.
WAITRESS: 'Jesus and Roy' - sounds like a cheesy Vegas lounge act. Here's your coffee, Mel. Cream with that?
ETHYLENE (to waitress): Please leave us, blasphemer.
[Waitress leaves. Matthew's feels queasy; his head is spinning.]
ETHYLENE: Matthew, I want you to be purified.
LAURANCE: Yeah ... Purity of Essence. … Peace on Earth …
ETHYLENE: That's right … Instead of drinking your evil java narcotic, I want you to dump it out. Go on … dump it out … C'mon … You can do it!
LAURANCE: But I have a caffeine headache.
ETHYLENE: We can replace that caffeine with a heaping spoonful of Roy-joy, with a side order of the word of the Lord.
LAURANCE: How about just a sip. Then I'll pour it out.
ETHYLENE: C'mon Matthew.
LAURANCE: But it's piping hot. Who's gonna clean up the mess?
ETHYLENE: Don't you worry about that.
LAURANCE: I don't know …
ETHYLENE: You can do it Matthew! You can! Smite your coffee, Matthew!
[Haltingly, Laurance pours the coffee cup out onto the floor of the diner.]
ETHYLENE: You did it! Praise God!
[Laurance collapses into the booth, sobbing. Ethylene slides in next to him, and puts her arm around him comfortingly.]
ETHYLENE: I'm so proud of you Matthew.
Tomorrow: The shoot around
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PART 26
[Game day. Afternoon shoot around and light workout in Cameron. Kiki sits in the stands watching the end of the workout, with Chris Collins. Wojo is playing in a half-speed scrimmage with the players, while K and Dawkins supervise.]
KIKI: What are you doing, Chris?
COLLINS: I’m folding the newspaper. I turn it to the comics page, then fold it into quarters so that the ‘Cathy’ strip is easier to read.
KIKI: You read Cathy?
COLLINS: No, but Chris – Duhon – does. He likes to read it after practice.
KIKI: Why aren’t you playing? Wojo is playing.
COLLINS: I can’t scrimmage anymore. Doctor’s orders.
KIKI: Did you hurt yourself? You’re not limping or anything.
COLLINS: It’s more of a chronic thing. I can’t combine aerobic exercise with any kind of contact. Stems from my playing days.
KIKI: What happened?
COLLINS: When I played, I was very exciteable. Every time I made a basket, I used to scream and pound my chest. Over the years, bit by tiny bit, I basically beat my own chest in.
KIKI: Wow, like a boxer who ends up permanently goofy.
COLLINS: Except in my case I’m permanently concave.
KIKI: I didn’t realize you made that many baskets for Duke.
COLLINS: Not in games. But I was deadly in practice.
KIKI: Oh.
[Whistle blows ending practice. Nervously, Collins jumps up, and runs over to Duhon grabbing a towel on the way, and gently dabs Duhon’s sweaty brow and forehead. Then he hands the folded newspaper to Duhon, who takes it but otherwise ignores Collins. Wojo sits down next to Kiki.]
WOJO: Hi.
KIKI: Hi, Woje. So when are we gonna get some time alone?
WOJO: Soon, I hope.
KIKI: It’s kind of humiliating, all that stuff Collins has to do for Duhon.
WOJO: Yeah. But Duhon knows that he can’t go too overboard or Chris’s dad will attack him the way he attacked Pete Gaudet.
KIKI: That’s good.
[As players head for the locker room, K, Dawkins and Collins take seats near Kiki. Matthew Laurance straggles in, looking haggard, distracted and disheveled.]
COACH K: I’ve only got five minutes. Let’s hear a progress report. Frick and Frack?
WOJO: Coach, Chris and I have been on the phone all morning with national and local media. Even though the game isn’t on a national feed, I’m pretty sure that ESPN and CNN will both cover the Royisms contest on their 11pm shows. Feinstein will mention it on Sports Reporters. Vitale will do a bit on it during his next game. And they all have the dossier on Roy.
COACH K: Good. And Matt, be sure to read as many Royisms as you can on the air. I want listeners to be [bleeping] sick of them by the time you’re through. Matt? … MATT! [bleep]. What the [bleep] happened to you? You look like [bleep].
LAURANCE: Uh, yeah Coach. I’m on it. I promise. … What?
COACH K: Can one of you [bleeps] help him snap out of it by tonight? OK. Kiki, what about the Project Badkid and the dirt on Carolina?
KIKI: Coming along nicely Coach. I’ll have a pretty good list of rumors for Matthew by tonight.
COACH K: OK, you and Matt meet here 30 minutes before game time. Kiki, you brief him so he can start slipping that [bleep] into the broadcasts right away. OK, that’s it everybody. Get the [bleep] out of here. Johnny, where’s my kitty?
[Meeting breaks up. Wojo and Kiki approach Laurance.]
WOJO: Matthew, are you OK? You don’t look so good.
LAURANCE (wobbly, shaky-voiced): I don’t know. … I think I’m having some sort of emotional breakdown.
KIKI: Does Ethylene have something to do with this?
LAURANCE: You know … some men’ll drive to the edges of nothing, so they can take a peek at the great abyss. …
KIKI: What? You’re babbling …
WOJO: He’s delirious. Somebody take him to the lair and let him lie down.
LAURANCE: … I thought we were walking down the straight and narrow. How’d we ever get so far apart …
KIKI: Should I call a doctor? He’s sweating like Dick Vitale.
WOJO: No. Get him some coffee.
LAURANCE: NO! No coffee! No coffee. Purity of Essence. … No coffee. … Peace on Earth … No coffee. NO COFFEE!
WOJO: OK, Matthew. No coffee. Calm down …
LAURANCE: I’m OK. … I’ll be OK … I have to go to Ethylene’s show.
KIKI: Up With Farmers? You’re in no condition …
LAURANCE: I promised! Let me go …
KIKI: OK, OK How about this? Why don’t we have someone drive you. I’ll call Vanessa.
LAURANCE: OK. But I have to go …
KIKI: Just relax Matthew. I’m calling Vanessa right now.
Tomorrow: The Season Finale: Will Chip win the Royisms contest? Is Matthew OK?
-----------------------------------
PART 27 -- SEASON FINALE
NOTE: There's an audio accompaniment to this installment. If your computer plays mp3 audio files from their remote location, when you get to the link that says "CUE MUSIC," just click on it. If your computer downloads mp3 audio files first (to play later), you may want to download this file before you start. Then play it when you see the words "CUE MUSIC." If you can't play mp3 files on your machine (or if we all overload this poor guy's server so that you can't access the file), there is a link to the lyrics of this song at the end of this post.
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[5 minutes before tip off. Inside Cameron, Kiki sits with Bob Harris, anxiously waiting for Matthew Laurance, who hasn't shown up. Chip sits right behind them, tapping on a laptop computer. Teams warm up, band plays, Crazies cheer.]
CRAZIES: We're smart! Clap-clap-clap. You're not! Clap-clap-clap.
HARRIS: Where the heck is Mel? You should never have let him go to that 'Up Your Farmer' thing today.
KIKI: It's 'Up With Farmers,' Bob. And he insisted. What could I do? I sent my friend Vanessa with him. They were supposed to be here half an hour ago. [sigh] Now I've got all these rumors and innuendo about Carolina, and Matthew'll never have time to review the material before air time. K is gonna be angry.
HARRIS: We can always give it to Feinstein; he'll blab it anywhere we tell him to. Hey, how's my hair look?
KIKI: Bob, you are aware that this is radio, right?
HARRIS: I wanna look my best for all these young fillies.
CRAZIES: Stetson-Shmetson! Clap-clap-clap. Stetson-Shmetson!! Clap-clap-clap.
CHIP: Hey Kiki, what's Collins doing down there?
KIKI: Preparing Duhon's chair. You know, setting the temperature controls, checking the ice maker, that sort of thing. What're you doing with the computer, Chip?
[Chip pushes a button on his laptop and sits back satisfiedly.]
CHIP: OK. I've just submitted my Royisms, with 90 seconds to spare.
KIKI: How many did you find?
CHIP: 14 cornys, and 8 third persons.
KIKI: Hit me with a few.
CHIP: Well, I've got lots of players and recruits saying this: "He might be a little corny, but he really treats us all like we're part of a family." It's like they all work from the same script.
KIKI: Excellent. Any good third person quotes?
CHIP: Sure. I found the one Ethylene mentioned yesterday. It's Roy talking about himself in the ESPN magazine: "It sounds corny but that's the way Roy Williams is." Third person AND corny! Double word score!
KIKI: Good work Chip! And good luck. I hope you win.
CRAZIES: Be - ware - the - Fi - st. Be - ware - the - Fi - st.
HARRIS: Kiki, I've stalled as long as I can. When we come back from commercial, I'm gonna announce that you are filling in for Matthew - at least until he gets here.
KIKI: Me?! Wait! Here comes Vanessa. Uh-oh. Where's Matthew?
VANESSA: Bad news. Matthew wouldn't come back with me. Says he's gonna stay and travel the country with 'Up With Farmers.' He kept saying something about "bleaching his soul."
HARRIS: What?!
VANESSA: He's gonna be the new host of 'Up With Farmers.' When I left they were working him into their grand finale - their big 'Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show' dance number.
HARRIS: Ooo, Neil Diamond is like a god to me. I'd kill for helmet hair like his.
VANESSA: Kiki, it's creepy over there. They all have those horrible vacant smiles -- like in that movie, Pleasantville. I almost got sucked in myself. Their force is powerful.
KIKI: Good thing you have such a strong sexual presence; you were able to neturalize it.
[Pause]
KIKI: Eeew. I just thought of something. Matthew and Ethylene aren't … you know …[shudder] … together, in that way … are they?
VANESSA: I don't think so. But Ethylene does have Matthew under some sort of spell. She's determined to save his soul. Can you do anything? Can you talk to her?
KIKI: No. She has the Roy-joy within her, and it is strong. Matthew is weak - he's an actor. He stood no chance against them. All we can do now is get to work. It's what Coach K would want us to do.
HARRIS (on the air): Welcome back to Cameron Indoor Stadium. This is Bob Harris and I'm joined tonight by a special guest commentator, Kiki. Welcome Kiki.
KIKI: Great to be here, Bob.
HARRIS: What can we say about this tough Stetson team?
KIKI: Well, they're a scrappy bunch. They've overcome some tough off the court problems lately. Seems one of their players had a little run-in …
[Later, at halftime.]
HARRIS (on the air): … Yes, that's right Kiki. Dean Smith WAS a heavy smoker. OK, it's time for the announcement everyone in Kville has been waiting for. The winners of our Roy-isms contest. Kiki?
KIKI: That's right, Bob. And even though we had two contests, it looks like we have only ONE big winner tonight. Chip Chipman had the most Royisms in BOTH categories. Well done Chip! Chip wins four months worth of free pizza delivered nightly in Kville. Chip can claim his prize by contacting us at …
VANESSA: Awesome Chip! You did it. Now you can save your meal money, and you'll finally have some disposable income. This should really enhance your popularity!
CHIP: Yeah. This could be the break I've been looking for in life.
VANESSA: Wow, Kiki's a real natural on the radio.
CHIP: Yeah, she's the best, except for Woody Durham of course.
VANESSA: You said "woody".
CHIP: Did you hear Harris say that Kiki's gonna be Matthew's permanent replacement?
VANESSA: Yeah. Awesome. She worked those subtle digs at Carolina into the broadcast better than Matthew ever did.
CHIP: And she seems to be keeping Harris at bay too. He only tried to put his hand on her knee once.
VANESSA: Yeah. Mussing up his hair seems to be an effective deterrent.
(CUE MUSIC)
CHIP: [sigh] What a great night.
[Pause. Chip and Vanessa scan the arena, soaking up the lights, the noise, the humidity. Smell of sweat and bodypaint.]
VANESSA: Why do the cheerleaders eat so many hot dogs at halftime?
CHIP: I don't know, Vanessa. I really don't know.
CRAZIES: We are special - We are precious - Don't believe it? - You just ask us. - Clap. Clap. Clap-clap-clap.
CHIP: Vanessa, we are so lucky to be Crazies, and to live in Kville.
VANESSA: Yeah.
CHIP: And to be associated with the greatest team and coach in the history of sports. It's Coach K who ought to have a book of sayings, not Roy.
VANESSA: Um … he already has one, remember?
CHIP: Oh yeah! How could I forget? I guess I was just 'leading with my heart'!
[Chip and Vanessa laugh to each other.]
VANESSA: You're right, though. We Crazies are like, totally blessed.
CHIP: We truly are.
VANESSA: So where are we binge drinking tonight? Satisfaction?
FADE OUT.
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POSTSCRIPT. Year = 2015
Matthew Laurance performed with 'Up With Farmers' for several months before leaving the show to develop a successful Christian soap opera for CBN called 'The Edge of Faith.' Matthew now does radio broadcasts for KU basketball, and frequently refers to Missouri players on the air as "bad kids," but adds that "only God - or Roy - can judge them."
Ethylene married and settled down in Grinder's Crotch, KS, where she and her husband, a successful Amway distributor, are raising and home-schooling 7 children. Ethylene also operates a successful web-based business out of her home, selling pillows embroidered with pithy Christian slogans. All 7 children are expert cross-stitchers, even the four year old.
Over the next decade, Coach K coached Duke to two more final fours and four ACC titles, the second best record among ACC teams during that span. In 2010, eight games into Duke's first losing season in 15 years, he developed a bad case of 'turf toe' and contemplated taking a leave of absence from coaching. But he decided to stick it out and finished the season with a .500 record. The university later petitioned the NCAA, unsuccessfully, to assign that season's losses to Wojo, who three years earlier had left Duke for a head coaching position elsewhere.
Bob Harris still broadcasts Duke games. But now he is better known for his successful business producing and starring in infomercials. His infomercial is credited with rejuvenating the sagging sales of the Flo-bee.
Wojo has become a successful Div. I basketball coach at Creighton, where he employed a post-oriented motion offense to produce consistent winning records. His lead assistant is Pete Gaudet. Wojo had his tattoo removed.
Roy Williams continued to dominate the Big 12, winning a remarkable 89 percent of his games over his career. KU made one more final four, reaching the championship game in 2005. Down one point with the ball, KU called time out with 11 seconds left. As players gathered in the huddle, Roy sobbed uncontrollably as he repeatedly professed his love for his players. However, he forgot to give the team a play to run, and KU lost.
Vanessa and Chip were married. Chip invested his meal money, went to Wharton, and eventually became the youngest ever CEO of Archer Daniels Midland Corp. Vanessa is active in the Junior League.
Kiki dropped Wojo before graduating from Duke, telling him that she needed someone "who's more like me." They never did get enough time alone to consummate their lust. Kiki went to broadcasting school and is now an NFL and NBA sideline reporter for a major network. She took that position several years ago, when multiple Emmy Award winner Bonnie Bernstein was fired for being "no longer sufficiently hot-looking."
SONG LYRICS
Read Ethylene's advice column!
LAURANCE: Wow, you look great this morning, Ethylene. I remember, when I was on 90210, they always had the good girls wearing little flowered sun-dresses like that.
ETHYLENE: Thanks.
WAITRESS: What'll it be hon'?
LAURANCE: Try the juevos rancheros. They're kick - a s s. … I mean, they're very good.
ETHYLENE: I'll have a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice and the large stack of buckwheat pancakes with real maple syrup. And a glass of pure, natural, mountain spring water. And could you open the window so that we smell the fresh, wholesome country air while we eat?
WAITRESS: Sure thing hon'. On the spring water, we've got Evian.
ETHYLENE: No, that's French. Never mind.
WAITRESS: Coffee with that?
ETHYLENE: Oh heavens to Betsy, no!
WAITRESS: Mel?
LAURANCE: I'll just have coffee and sticky bun.
ETHYLENE: Coffee is a narcotic, you know.
LAURANCE: I … uh … did not know that. I'll make a mental note. Anyway, thanks for meeting me for breakfast Ethylene.
ETHYLENE: Well, I figured that once you start a job, you might as well finish it.
LAURANCE: What?
ETHYLENE: Nothing. Matthew, did you read the stuff I gave you?
LAURANCE: You mean the books? About Roy? And Jesus? I glanced at them.
ETHYLENE: And?
[Long silence. Tears well up in Laurance's eyes.]
ETHYLENE: Matthew, what's wrong?
LAURANCE: Ethylene, I need to make a confession. I only borrowed the Royisms book so I could win the radio station contest. I didn't really read it at all. I just wanted the free pizza. I'm sorry.
ETHYLENE: [sigh] Well, contrition is a good first step. But don't apologize to me. You know who you need to apologize to, right?
LAURANCE: To Roy?
ETHYLENE: To God.
LAURANCE: Right. To God. Mental note to self: apologize to God. Anyway, here's your book back.
ETHYLENE: No, you keep it. Study it. Learn it. … I believe you can be good, Matthew. Just like your namesake.
LAURANCE: My great aunt Matthewletta?
ETHYLENE: No, silly. I meant the first Matthew. From the Bible.
LAURANCE: Oh. Right. Him. Man, this moral purity stuff is so confusing.
ETHYLENE: Matthew, I know what you need.
LAURANCE: What?
ETHYLENE: Why don't you come to our 'Up With Farmers' show this afternoon. It's at 4pm. It's just the sort of uplifting wholesomeness that you could use.
LAURANCE: OK. I can come after the shoot-around at 1pm. Besides, I kind of miss the heat of the bright lights, the smell of the greasepaint, the buzz of the crowd.
ETHYLENE: We have all that, plus the righteous joy of Jesus - and Roy - in our hearts.
WAITRESS: 'Jesus and Roy' - sounds like a cheesy Vegas lounge act. Here's your coffee, Mel. Cream with that?
ETHYLENE (to waitress): Please leave us, blasphemer.
[Waitress leaves. Matthew's feels queasy; his head is spinning.]
ETHYLENE: Matthew, I want you to be purified.
LAURANCE: Yeah ... Purity of Essence. … Peace on Earth …
ETHYLENE: That's right … Instead of drinking your evil java narcotic, I want you to dump it out. Go on … dump it out … C'mon … You can do it!
LAURANCE: But I have a caffeine headache.
ETHYLENE: We can replace that caffeine with a heaping spoonful of Roy-joy, with a side order of the word of the Lord.
LAURANCE: How about just a sip. Then I'll pour it out.
ETHYLENE: C'mon Matthew.
LAURANCE: But it's piping hot. Who's gonna clean up the mess?
ETHYLENE: Don't you worry about that.
LAURANCE: I don't know …
ETHYLENE: You can do it Matthew! You can! Smite your coffee, Matthew!
[Haltingly, Laurance pours the coffee cup out onto the floor of the diner.]
ETHYLENE: You did it! Praise God!
[Laurance collapses into the booth, sobbing. Ethylene slides in next to him, and puts her arm around him comfortingly.]
ETHYLENE: I'm so proud of you Matthew.
Tomorrow: The shoot around
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PART 26
[Game day. Afternoon shoot around and light workout in Cameron. Kiki sits in the stands watching the end of the workout, with Chris Collins. Wojo is playing in a half-speed scrimmage with the players, while K and Dawkins supervise.]
KIKI: What are you doing, Chris?
COLLINS: I’m folding the newspaper. I turn it to the comics page, then fold it into quarters so that the ‘Cathy’ strip is easier to read.
KIKI: You read Cathy?
COLLINS: No, but Chris – Duhon – does. He likes to read it after practice.
KIKI: Why aren’t you playing? Wojo is playing.
COLLINS: I can’t scrimmage anymore. Doctor’s orders.
KIKI: Did you hurt yourself? You’re not limping or anything.
COLLINS: It’s more of a chronic thing. I can’t combine aerobic exercise with any kind of contact. Stems from my playing days.
KIKI: What happened?
COLLINS: When I played, I was very exciteable. Every time I made a basket, I used to scream and pound my chest. Over the years, bit by tiny bit, I basically beat my own chest in.
KIKI: Wow, like a boxer who ends up permanently goofy.
COLLINS: Except in my case I’m permanently concave.
KIKI: I didn’t realize you made that many baskets for Duke.
COLLINS: Not in games. But I was deadly in practice.
KIKI: Oh.
[Whistle blows ending practice. Nervously, Collins jumps up, and runs over to Duhon grabbing a towel on the way, and gently dabs Duhon’s sweaty brow and forehead. Then he hands the folded newspaper to Duhon, who takes it but otherwise ignores Collins. Wojo sits down next to Kiki.]
WOJO: Hi.
KIKI: Hi, Woje. So when are we gonna get some time alone?
WOJO: Soon, I hope.
KIKI: It’s kind of humiliating, all that stuff Collins has to do for Duhon.
WOJO: Yeah. But Duhon knows that he can’t go too overboard or Chris’s dad will attack him the way he attacked Pete Gaudet.
KIKI: That’s good.
[As players head for the locker room, K, Dawkins and Collins take seats near Kiki. Matthew Laurance straggles in, looking haggard, distracted and disheveled.]
COACH K: I’ve only got five minutes. Let’s hear a progress report. Frick and Frack?
WOJO: Coach, Chris and I have been on the phone all morning with national and local media. Even though the game isn’t on a national feed, I’m pretty sure that ESPN and CNN will both cover the Royisms contest on their 11pm shows. Feinstein will mention it on Sports Reporters. Vitale will do a bit on it during his next game. And they all have the dossier on Roy.
COACH K: Good. And Matt, be sure to read as many Royisms as you can on the air. I want listeners to be [bleeping] sick of them by the time you’re through. Matt? … MATT! [bleep]. What the [bleep] happened to you? You look like [bleep].
LAURANCE: Uh, yeah Coach. I’m on it. I promise. … What?
COACH K: Can one of you [bleeps] help him snap out of it by tonight? OK. Kiki, what about the Project Badkid and the dirt on Carolina?
KIKI: Coming along nicely Coach. I’ll have a pretty good list of rumors for Matthew by tonight.
COACH K: OK, you and Matt meet here 30 minutes before game time. Kiki, you brief him so he can start slipping that [bleep] into the broadcasts right away. OK, that’s it everybody. Get the [bleep] out of here. Johnny, where’s my kitty?
[Meeting breaks up. Wojo and Kiki approach Laurance.]
WOJO: Matthew, are you OK? You don’t look so good.
LAURANCE (wobbly, shaky-voiced): I don’t know. … I think I’m having some sort of emotional breakdown.
KIKI: Does Ethylene have something to do with this?
LAURANCE: You know … some men’ll drive to the edges of nothing, so they can take a peek at the great abyss. …
KIKI: What? You’re babbling …
WOJO: He’s delirious. Somebody take him to the lair and let him lie down.
LAURANCE: … I thought we were walking down the straight and narrow. How’d we ever get so far apart …
KIKI: Should I call a doctor? He’s sweating like Dick Vitale.
WOJO: No. Get him some coffee.
LAURANCE: NO! No coffee! No coffee. Purity of Essence. … No coffee. … Peace on Earth … No coffee. NO COFFEE!
WOJO: OK, Matthew. No coffee. Calm down …
LAURANCE: I’m OK. … I’ll be OK … I have to go to Ethylene’s show.
KIKI: Up With Farmers? You’re in no condition …
LAURANCE: I promised! Let me go …
KIKI: OK, OK How about this? Why don’t we have someone drive you. I’ll call Vanessa.
LAURANCE: OK. But I have to go …
KIKI: Just relax Matthew. I’m calling Vanessa right now.
Tomorrow: The Season Finale: Will Chip win the Royisms contest? Is Matthew OK?
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PART 27 -- SEASON FINALE
NOTE: There's an audio accompaniment to this installment. If your computer plays mp3 audio files from their remote location, when you get to the link that says "CUE MUSIC," just click on it. If your computer downloads mp3 audio files first (to play later), you may want to download this file before you start. Then play it when you see the words "CUE MUSIC." If you can't play mp3 files on your machine (or if we all overload this poor guy's server so that you can't access the file), there is a link to the lyrics of this song at the end of this post.
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[5 minutes before tip off. Inside Cameron, Kiki sits with Bob Harris, anxiously waiting for Matthew Laurance, who hasn't shown up. Chip sits right behind them, tapping on a laptop computer. Teams warm up, band plays, Crazies cheer.]
CRAZIES: We're smart! Clap-clap-clap. You're not! Clap-clap-clap.
HARRIS: Where the heck is Mel? You should never have let him go to that 'Up Your Farmer' thing today.
KIKI: It's 'Up With Farmers,' Bob. And he insisted. What could I do? I sent my friend Vanessa with him. They were supposed to be here half an hour ago. [sigh] Now I've got all these rumors and innuendo about Carolina, and Matthew'll never have time to review the material before air time. K is gonna be angry.
HARRIS: We can always give it to Feinstein; he'll blab it anywhere we tell him to. Hey, how's my hair look?
KIKI: Bob, you are aware that this is radio, right?
HARRIS: I wanna look my best for all these young fillies.
CRAZIES: Stetson-Shmetson! Clap-clap-clap. Stetson-Shmetson!! Clap-clap-clap.
CHIP: Hey Kiki, what's Collins doing down there?
KIKI: Preparing Duhon's chair. You know, setting the temperature controls, checking the ice maker, that sort of thing. What're you doing with the computer, Chip?
[Chip pushes a button on his laptop and sits back satisfiedly.]
CHIP: OK. I've just submitted my Royisms, with 90 seconds to spare.
KIKI: How many did you find?
CHIP: 14 cornys, and 8 third persons.
KIKI: Hit me with a few.
CHIP: Well, I've got lots of players and recruits saying this: "He might be a little corny, but he really treats us all like we're part of a family." It's like they all work from the same script.
KIKI: Excellent. Any good third person quotes?
CHIP: Sure. I found the one Ethylene mentioned yesterday. It's Roy talking about himself in the ESPN magazine: "It sounds corny but that's the way Roy Williams is." Third person AND corny! Double word score!
KIKI: Good work Chip! And good luck. I hope you win.
CRAZIES: Be - ware - the - Fi - st. Be - ware - the - Fi - st.
HARRIS: Kiki, I've stalled as long as I can. When we come back from commercial, I'm gonna announce that you are filling in for Matthew - at least until he gets here.
KIKI: Me?! Wait! Here comes Vanessa. Uh-oh. Where's Matthew?
VANESSA: Bad news. Matthew wouldn't come back with me. Says he's gonna stay and travel the country with 'Up With Farmers.' He kept saying something about "bleaching his soul."
HARRIS: What?!
VANESSA: He's gonna be the new host of 'Up With Farmers.' When I left they were working him into their grand finale - their big 'Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show' dance number.
HARRIS: Ooo, Neil Diamond is like a god to me. I'd kill for helmet hair like his.
VANESSA: Kiki, it's creepy over there. They all have those horrible vacant smiles -- like in that movie, Pleasantville. I almost got sucked in myself. Their force is powerful.
KIKI: Good thing you have such a strong sexual presence; you were able to neturalize it.
[Pause]
KIKI: Eeew. I just thought of something. Matthew and Ethylene aren't … you know …[shudder] … together, in that way … are they?
VANESSA: I don't think so. But Ethylene does have Matthew under some sort of spell. She's determined to save his soul. Can you do anything? Can you talk to her?
KIKI: No. She has the Roy-joy within her, and it is strong. Matthew is weak - he's an actor. He stood no chance against them. All we can do now is get to work. It's what Coach K would want us to do.
HARRIS (on the air): Welcome back to Cameron Indoor Stadium. This is Bob Harris and I'm joined tonight by a special guest commentator, Kiki. Welcome Kiki.
KIKI: Great to be here, Bob.
HARRIS: What can we say about this tough Stetson team?
KIKI: Well, they're a scrappy bunch. They've overcome some tough off the court problems lately. Seems one of their players had a little run-in …
[Later, at halftime.]
HARRIS (on the air): … Yes, that's right Kiki. Dean Smith WAS a heavy smoker. OK, it's time for the announcement everyone in Kville has been waiting for. The winners of our Roy-isms contest. Kiki?
KIKI: That's right, Bob. And even though we had two contests, it looks like we have only ONE big winner tonight. Chip Chipman had the most Royisms in BOTH categories. Well done Chip! Chip wins four months worth of free pizza delivered nightly in Kville. Chip can claim his prize by contacting us at …
VANESSA: Awesome Chip! You did it. Now you can save your meal money, and you'll finally have some disposable income. This should really enhance your popularity!
CHIP: Yeah. This could be the break I've been looking for in life.
VANESSA: Wow, Kiki's a real natural on the radio.
CHIP: Yeah, she's the best, except for Woody Durham of course.
VANESSA: You said "woody".
CHIP: Did you hear Harris say that Kiki's gonna be Matthew's permanent replacement?
VANESSA: Yeah. Awesome. She worked those subtle digs at Carolina into the broadcast better than Matthew ever did.
CHIP: And she seems to be keeping Harris at bay too. He only tried to put his hand on her knee once.
VANESSA: Yeah. Mussing up his hair seems to be an effective deterrent.
(CUE MUSIC)
CHIP: [sigh] What a great night.
[Pause. Chip and Vanessa scan the arena, soaking up the lights, the noise, the humidity. Smell of sweat and bodypaint.]
VANESSA: Why do the cheerleaders eat so many hot dogs at halftime?
CHIP: I don't know, Vanessa. I really don't know.
CRAZIES: We are special - We are precious - Don't believe it? - You just ask us. - Clap. Clap. Clap-clap-clap.
CHIP: Vanessa, we are so lucky to be Crazies, and to live in Kville.
VANESSA: Yeah.
CHIP: And to be associated with the greatest team and coach in the history of sports. It's Coach K who ought to have a book of sayings, not Roy.
VANESSA: Um … he already has one, remember?
CHIP: Oh yeah! How could I forget? I guess I was just 'leading with my heart'!
[Chip and Vanessa laugh to each other.]
VANESSA: You're right, though. We Crazies are like, totally blessed.
CHIP: We truly are.
VANESSA: So where are we binge drinking tonight? Satisfaction?
FADE OUT.
---------------------------------
POSTSCRIPT. Year = 2015
Matthew Laurance performed with 'Up With Farmers' for several months before leaving the show to develop a successful Christian soap opera for CBN called 'The Edge of Faith.' Matthew now does radio broadcasts for KU basketball, and frequently refers to Missouri players on the air as "bad kids," but adds that "only God - or Roy - can judge them."
Ethylene married and settled down in Grinder's Crotch, KS, where she and her husband, a successful Amway distributor, are raising and home-schooling 7 children. Ethylene also operates a successful web-based business out of her home, selling pillows embroidered with pithy Christian slogans. All 7 children are expert cross-stitchers, even the four year old.
Over the next decade, Coach K coached Duke to two more final fours and four ACC titles, the second best record among ACC teams during that span. In 2010, eight games into Duke's first losing season in 15 years, he developed a bad case of 'turf toe' and contemplated taking a leave of absence from coaching. But he decided to stick it out and finished the season with a .500 record. The university later petitioned the NCAA, unsuccessfully, to assign that season's losses to Wojo, who three years earlier had left Duke for a head coaching position elsewhere.
Bob Harris still broadcasts Duke games. But now he is better known for his successful business producing and starring in infomercials. His infomercial is credited with rejuvenating the sagging sales of the Flo-bee.
Wojo has become a successful Div. I basketball coach at Creighton, where he employed a post-oriented motion offense to produce consistent winning records. His lead assistant is Pete Gaudet. Wojo had his tattoo removed.
Roy Williams continued to dominate the Big 12, winning a remarkable 89 percent of his games over his career. KU made one more final four, reaching the championship game in 2005. Down one point with the ball, KU called time out with 11 seconds left. As players gathered in the huddle, Roy sobbed uncontrollably as he repeatedly professed his love for his players. However, he forgot to give the team a play to run, and KU lost.
Vanessa and Chip were married. Chip invested his meal money, went to Wharton, and eventually became the youngest ever CEO of Archer Daniels Midland Corp. Vanessa is active in the Junior League.
Kiki dropped Wojo before graduating from Duke, telling him that she needed someone "who's more like me." They never did get enough time alone to consummate their lust. Kiki went to broadcasting school and is now an NFL and NBA sideline reporter for a major network. She took that position several years ago, when multiple Emmy Award winner Bonnie Bernstein was fired for being "no longer sufficiently hot-looking."
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